I express some maudlin sentiments in this post, so if you want happy, maybe you should skip reading it.
Yeah, sorry for not posting in such a long time, to either Crabby Night Owl or The Varo Edition. It’s been an interesting few months.
I promised my sister I wouldn’t get into the details, since she doesn’t want anyone to know how bad things actually were. But picking up the pieces after my mom’s passing has been the most emotionally challenging process of my life.
Personally, I’m fine. At least the cause of her passing has no direct connection back to any decision I personally made, unlike with Margie or Dwayne. My mom was sick, and she died. I’m okay with that. One of my most haunting fears is that my parents would outlive me. Grand parent, parent, child. That’s the natural order, the sequence of passing. Yes, the world is still a savage place, and young ones too often beat their ancestors to the grave. But, barring sickness, accident, or murder, it’s the elder family members who lead the way into what comes after this life.
I didn’t plan on staying in Las Vegas after my mom left us. My next stop was Albuquerque, New Mexico. After I spent as much time with my mom as I had left to spend, I was going to move to “The Q” to stage the rest of my life.
My mom asked me specifically to take care of her cat. I’ll do that. But she decided not to move to Phoenix with me because my sister didn’t want to move. My mom hated it where she lived, and I wanted her and my sister to move to my apartment complex in Phoenix. She would have loved the the landscaping, the trees and the fountains. But she wouldn’t leave my sister, and my sister didn’t want to leave where she was. (My mom and sister have lived near or with each other my sister’s entire life.) So I came to Vegas, a city I said I’d never live in.
Well, now, I’m living in Las Vegas, jobless because I wasn’t planning on staying, trying to take care of my sister. She has some serious problems that I don’t know how to solve or work around, and that she isn’t seeking help to deal with. So, lots of unaccustomed stress for me, yessirree. Most of what I’m dealing with I promised my sister I wouldn’t talk about, because she doesn’t want the people who know her to know what’s really been going on with her. She’s got her story all planned out, but there’s no way I can keep up with the details of what she’s been telling people. So, I stay mum, more or less.
I’m kind of in zombie mode, right now: only half-here, and in search of brains. I just spent 3 days in a bid to escape. In three days, I managed to watch, via hulu.com, the entire season of FlashForward, and season 1 of both Sliders and Dead Like Me. Lots of “what-if’s” and “what-might-have-been’s” in those shows, which got me thinking.
It’s like back when I was mixing music tapes, unscripted and live. You could tell exactly where my mind was at the time by listening to those tapes. If Boston’s “More than a Feeling” popped up on the tape amid a sea of Alan Parsons Project, Genesis, and Toto, then I was definitely thinking about my first love, Mary Ann, at the time. That happened more than once. Dio, Devo, and R.E.M.? The Yucca Valley Days. Those tapes were a clear window into my soul at the moment I was recording them.
The same may be true with my recent hulu binge. My playlist seems to be telling me something. It could be that Hulu’s offerings are still a little sparse to my taste, and that’s all I found that was interesting. Or, it could be something else, entirely.
Whatever.
Back to the purpose of this post: I know I’ve been away, and there’s really no excuse. Sorry about that. The reason, though, is that aspects of my personal life are rather overwhelming at the moment, and I’ve promised I wouldn’t tell anyone my sister knows about the details. If you’re reading this and you happen to know her, go with whatever she says. Let her spin whatever reality helps her cope, and give her your support.
And I, having convinced you to come along with me wherever my Crabby Night Owl blog takes us, do hereby promise to give you something at least once a week, or so, regardless of whatever else is going on in my life. Ah, but since CNO is a personal blog, maybe I’ll take you along with me.
Links
re: Your Brains. The Jonathan Coulton song that inspired this post’s title.
Jonathan Coulton. The above-mentioned musician’s website.
The machinama video by Spiffworld of the above-mentioned song.
Spiffworld‘s YouTube channel.
FlashForward: The Complete Series
Dead Like Me: The Complete Collection
Sliders – The First and Second Seasons
Image Credit: zombie face by embepe. From Stock.xchng.
